Big day for Pakistan – A Non state Actor gets Oscar Nomination!

Entire Pakistan went into jubilant mood. It’s a riot of lights and sound all over Karachi and Baluchistan albeit mostly caused by routine arson and bomb blasts in sectarian violence.

Kulbulawal Khan, a part time terrorist and noted historian of Pakistan was overjoyed, “In such a long history of Pakistan that goes back to the ages before dinosaurs, today is the first time that the country is getting such attention. So far the only other significant event for Pakistan was when fanatic Hindus took away India from it.”

“After all, for a restricted society like that of Pakistan it is like a flower blooming in desert. And god willing our actor achieved this feat without any kind of exposing or nudity, God is great and so am I.” said a local Imam. Though, he himself being a signatory on a fatwa banning movies he does not know the name of the actor who has got such a huge appreciation. But the proud was very much visible on his face. Some on the street also expressed ignorance of the actor saying that they don’t watch Pashto Porn.

On the other hand the prominent strategist Zaid Hamid criticized the happening and warned the citizens that it is a western ploy, a gimmick generated by God blessed Americans, chosen ones Israelis, UK and the Hindu Zionists. “They are trying to weaken us by luring our youth with such awards. But they won’t succeed because just like me god is also great” He said.

Imran khan demanded an immediate disclosure of the name of the movie and the actor who won such an appreciation for Pakistan. “Pakistan’s name keeps propping up only for wrong reasons, so this was such a wonderful thing to happen and hence we must celebrate our national hero.” Inzmaam ul Haq too tried saying something but English being too ashamed to come out; got entangled in his beard and we could not understand what he was trying to tell about “oh sucker’ nomination.

“Since he is a non-state actor, we as per our policy, do not know the name and the address of the said Actor, however we have issued couple of valid Pakistani passports to him to enable him to go and collect the prize in case he wins. And yes we have definite information that he was NOT trained by MNTA (Mushafarri Nautanki & Tamasha Academy)” said Heena Rabbani.

In India, PMO released a statement stating that as we as a nation are used to get kicked around, a weaker Pakistan is not in our interest. We need a strong and stable Pakistan who can kick us hard just like another strong and stable neighbor China. But one thing is for sure, whenever he wants, Rahul ji can become PM of India.

Since the secrecy remained around the name of the Actor, several well known people like Hafiz Said, Majid Memon, Dawood and millions unknown too, seen busy making or buying passports and packing their stuff for the award ceremony while in Washington all the other countries were busy discussing the air strikes on Pakistan.

A few anti gang rape protesters were called in to talk – A report

As per the reports trickling down what has happened in the closed door meeting with a few of the protesters the things continue to look grim.

Here is what we could put together.-

Protester- Can we come in maam?

Maam – oh yes sure.. please walk in (leaning to R P N Sing) I am confirming for the last time – you are damn sure that these guys are not actual protesters?

R P N – oh yes maam I and Burkha know them personally, they are a good mix from different back ground the only thing being common is NUSI.

Maam- good.

Protesters – Maam, we have come to raise a serious issue…in spite of we slugging out here in such a cold weather, we notice that we have not been on any news channel so far.

R P N – that is the key my children. You are supposed to be faces of those unknown common men.

(RG enters)

RG – Heyyy… momma you never told me we are having a get together today..

Maam – (with a a stern look) these are s few unknown people….

RG – Hey Akshey how are you maan.. hey Rita how you doing.

RPN – they are here to represent the people protesting the Rape.

RG – Protesting the RAP !! WHAAW..I like RAP maan… yo.. aaha aaha yo (patting RPN’s shoulder heavily) hey and your name is also RAP N Sing haa haa haa (finding every one looking at him).. well..why are these guys protesting such an entertaining thing?

Maam – (getting up) well I think we have finished the scheduled 10 minutes so please get out and carry on doing what you guys are best at. (looking at a corner) aap vahaan khade khade kya dekh rahe hai.. jaaiye chaai biskit le khe aaiye(walks out)

The person in the corner – chaai me lawn me hi lee aau na? … theek hai? arre ab to thek hai naaaa?

Stop buying gold, or I will buy it all – PC

The soaring gold price has triggered a concern in political galleries in Delhi. PC, as usual without any reason, called in a press conference to warn all the hard working idiots to stop buying gold.

Policemen promptly lifted and took away a reporter when he wanted to know how much of it PC has bought a day before making this announcement. Calming the remaining ones PC said, “On one hand you are calling yourself poor and measurable people and on the other hand you all are busy buying gold! Shame on you, all of you… you shameless guys” He pointed to all the reporters present., “When a poor government officer asks for 30-40 thousands then you guys are poor and you quickly set a trap with anti corruption bureau , but when it comes to buying gold you have lots of money for that!” He said with visible disgust on his face.

“Is it not that the costly gold has become an issue with government because it has devalued the stagnant deposits sitting in Swiss banks?” another reporter dared, as the economics knowledge of the policemen present was not enough for them to act on their own, the PC had to signal them to take the reporter away.

Once the reporters became sure that PC will defiantly increase the gold prices, all of them started making calls to their commodity brokers. This made PC lose interest and he was seen surfing onto online trading sites.

On condition of anonymity a party worker told this reporter that, “What people don’t understand that if gold would keep on becoming costly like this, the Scam Surcharge- the new term coined by fakingnews, is bound to go up and thus the people will not be paying more only for that they are buying but will also end up paying more for what we would buy.” He also gave a tip, “Yaar you guys already have a proven case that by dealing in property with DLF, one can make 350 crors out of nothing, still you are going after gold?”

Government offices to have separate windows and queues for Rapists: RPN Singh

RPN Singh looked very angry while expressing his thoughts on Rapists. On replying on queries on National Data Base for Rapists, he said that he has couple of more suggestions up his sleeve for those criminals.

“We need to have separate windows and queues for Rapists in every government building.” He said. “They must be identified, isolated and humiliated. This will also stop acts of eve teasing that they get to do in long and crowded general queues in government offices.” “Also I have asked for an all encompassing Adhaar Card for Rapists. Which will have complete listing of his crime career i.e. no. of actual offences, no. of complaints registered, no. of times he got convicted, no. of payrolls jumped etc. Also the forms asking – “have you ever been booked by police?”, will also ask – “WOW! but was that for rape?”

When this reporter asked him about the steps that government is taking to protect women, He angrily asked to stop diverting from the topic. “Guys, currently our main aim is just to be seen TALKING IN RIGHT DIRECTION. I have personally requested for automatic addition of charges like POTA, MACOCA, anti narcotics and money laundering etc so that the bastards keep languishing for longer time.” When the reporters pointed out that MACOCA applies only in Maharashtra, He said that NCP is their partner hence Delhi should nOt have any issue borrowing it up for sometime.

On All India Rapists Association’s demand of providing them with cheap fuel, cheap electricity and cheap gas cylinders, so that people understand that culprits are really cheap people, He said that this makes sense but final decision would be taken by high command only.

Meanwhile addressing the nation of the eve of New Year, MMS said, ”Not only because the people of India wants to hear this, but also because it is written on this piece of this paper, I am reading out loudly that I will take strongest possible action against the rapists” He ended his speech looking in the corner, “Ab to theek hai?”

Monthly quota of speaking exhausted, PM to condemn Pak in Feb

Reporters were in shock of their life when they approached PMO for PM’s comment on beheading of Indian soldier by Pakistani army. Pankaj Pachauri – the PMO spokesman informed the reporters that Mr. Manmohan Singh has already exhausted his monthly quota of speaking six (6) sentences and any comment of this trivial matter can be heard only in the month of February 2012.

Brushing aside the so called severity of the issue, Pankaj Pachauri shot back, “After all, what soldiers are for? It is only infiltrators and soldiers who get killed on the border, still to assuage the emotional fools, our strongest and the most macho PM so far – Mr. Manmohan Singh would take strongest possible steps” He added. “How can you laugh at such serious meet?” visibly upset Pachauri snubbed couple of reporters.

Explaining the strong steps he said, “You see we have just punished them with an invitation for 20-20 and one day series and as soon as we are done with the suspension and the resumption of peace talks, we would severally punish them with another Test series and liberal visa laws. But before taking any such drastic steps, we are awaiting American words of wisdom, highlighting the non-state actors and importance of peace in the region”

“Allowing people brandishing their AK-47, to come freely in India would definitely discourage Pakistanis from committing such cowardice act of infiltrating in the dark of nights.” He concluded.

When reporters wanted to know the status of 10 terrorists who had sneaked in Delhi during Anti-Rape protest, he promptly said, “As they are Delhi Police Commissioner’s baby only he can answer you on this. Well by ‘his baby’ I don’t intend to say that they were his brain child.”

Press meet was called off as soon as this reporter enquired if “Theek Hai?” too was counted as a full sentence.

Big day for Pakistan – A Non state Actor gets Oscar Nomination!

Entire Pakistan went into jubilant mood. It’s a riot of lights and sound all over Karachi and Baluchistan albeit mostly caused by routine arson and bomb blasts in sectarian violence.

Kulbulawal Khan, a part time terrorist and noted historian of Pakistan was overjoyed, “In such a long history of Pakistan that goes back to the ages before dinosaurs, today is the first time that the country is getting such attention. So far the only other significant event for Pakistan was when fanatic Hindus took away India from it.”

“After all, for a restricted society like that of Pakistan it is like a flower blooming in desert. And god willing our actor achieved this feat without any kind of exposing or nudity, God is great and so am I.” said a local Imam. Though, he himself being a signatory on a fatwa banning movies he does not know the name of the actor who has got such a huge appreciation. But the proud was very much visible on his face. Some on the street also expressed ignorance of the actor saying that they don’t watch Pashto Porn.

On the other hand the prominent strategist Zaid Hamid criticized the happening and warned the citizens that it is a western ploy, a gimmick generated by God blessed Americans, chosen ones Israelis, UK and the Hindu Zionists. “They are trying to weaken us by luring our youth with such awards. But they won’t succeed because just like me god is also great” He said.

Imran khan demanded an immediate disclosure of the name of the movie and the actor who won such an appreciation for Pakistan. “Pakistan’s name keeps propping up only for wrong reasons, so this was such a wonderful thing to happen and hence we must celebrate our national hero.” Inzmaam ul Haq too tried saying something but English being too ashamed to come out; got entangled in his beard and we could not understand what he was trying to tell about “oh sucker’ nomination.

“Since he is a non-state actor, we as per our policy, do not know the name and the address of the said Actor, however we have issued couple of valid Pakistani passports to him to enable him to go and collect the prize in case he wins. And yes we have definite information that he was NOT trained by MNTA (Mushafarri Nautanki & Tamasha Academy)” said Heena Rabbani.

In India, PMO released a statement stating that as we as a nation are used to get kicked around, a weaker Pakistan is not in our interest. We need a strong and stable Pakistan who can kick us around like another strong and stable neighbor China. But one thing is for sure, whenever he wants, Rahul ji can become PM of India.

Since the secrecy remained around the name of the Actor, several well known people like Hafiz Said, Majid Memon, Dawood and millions unknown too, seen busy making or buying passports and packing their stuff for the award ceremony while in Washington all the other countries were busy discussing the air strikes on Pakistan.

How can you take My comments seriously? – asks Atyadhik Murkh-jee

Finally Ms Burkha Butt gave Mr Murkh-jee a chance to clarify his remarks on women protesting against gang rape-

B –Mr Murkh-jee, why you suddenly came up with those remarks?

AM – Look sexy, earlier daddy used to grab all the lime lights and nobody ever noticed me. So I never had to think before talking. But ever since he got promoted and accordingly went into silent mode, people have suddenly realized that I talk nonsense!

B – You could have kept your nonsense to sunny lie-on, why protesters?

AM – You just look at my kaamwali, dudhwali etc. they are all are so much engrossed in daily hardships that they don’t have any time to make any protest,  leave aside going to discos and garages for denting and painting. So ladies only like hmm… just like you for example, who are fashionable are making noise.

B –Please understand that I am providing you a platform to say sorry so that people don’t go digging more into your background. I am on your side you moron.

AM – Sorry sorry. Actually I wanted to apologize but got distracted guessing your age (Leaning to her) how old are you by the way?

B – Are you sorry for what said?

AM-  Well…. I did call a couple of deplorable names and I am sorry If those sluts felt bad about it. Actually I was quoted out of context.

B – Is it?

AM- Yes, we men often refer our wives with names like beep, beep and looong beep. So you can imagine when we talk about unknown ladies. Look it’s a non-issue so either you accept my apologies or go ask Rajiv Shukla or Shriprakash Jaiswal, they are expert in defending any bullshit with plain face.

B – so this was Mr Murkhjee explaining his remarks on AAAUUCCCHHH….