Indian visas on arrival – Pakistan’s oldies rejoice the gift

His dimmed right eye (left was lost in Tora bora) was beaming with hope and dreams when he heard that India is going to issue visas to senior citizens of Pakistan on arrival.

“Every one thought I am a defused bomb now and were pushing me to become a shepherd, but now I can show that I am down but not out.” said Farhaad Fussu – 68. The similar sentiments were echoed across the Pakistan.

Super intelligent Zaid Hamid was overjoyed, “God willing my fathers would do better than my sons. But on the name of entire Kaum, I urge you youngsters, dye your beards white. My roohani sources have informed me that hair dye manufacturers are Zionists and they don’t make white dye, but god wiling we will import it from China.”

Here in India dismissing the rumors, Mr. Viklaang Khurshi-de said that the said visa plan has not been cancelled it has just been delayed for the want of additional forms that the visiting Senior citizens will have to sign.

Our inner sources revealed that the forms would be an affidavit and an acknowledgement that the visitor is old and also disabled and that he/she has received either a wheel chair or a hearing aid or at least a walking stick.

“We don’t mind signing any forms as long as we remain member of LeT. Be it this LeT (Lashkar E Taiba) or that Let (Langda E Tunda). Ultimately we have to explode ourselves along with others.” says Manhoos Murtuza, “The only thing that saddens me is that still there would be some Indians out there who would benefit from my arrival.”

As per an unconfirmed intelligence report, Hafeez Saeed was over heard enquiring about property rates in Mira Road.

Daily ‘Saamna’ sheds regional tag, launches Aman ka Jhaansa

Seeing the ongoing efforts of infiltration and firing and beheading of Indian soldier by Pakistan, Saamna has decided to launch a new initiative – Aman ka Jhaansa. A move that immediately drew a sharp reaction from TOI.

“People like us are already trying for a smooth passage for Pakistanis into India so that not only Indians but the other neighbors i.e. Nepal, Bhutan too can avail benefits of Terror attacks and dubious people from each country can benefit from People to People contact. Given this, we agree there was absolutely no reason for Pakistanis to restore to such overt operation of firing on LOC etc. But announcing Aman ka Jhaansa is a knee jerk reaction by fundamentalist forces.” said a TOI spokesperson.

When a reporter asked him as to why it is so that why only India need to keep gulping the potion of peace, He said “Please understand, friendly relationship with India will not change anything in Pakistan because amongst burning Baluchinstan, karaahta Karachi, naarkiya NWFP, MQM, LET, Shia minority and many more, they will hardly notice a friendly India. But it’s the Indians who have a lot to gain from a friendly Pakistan.”

“No, Aman ka Jhaansa is not a parody of Aman ki Asha, but it is an effort to expose the inner purpose of Aman ki Asha.” informed Mr Raut “We will make people understand that member of Pakistani Army and Political parties are not from Sweden or Venezuela, but they all are common men coming from Pakistani masses. Hence this fraud that common Pakistani wants peace with India can not be trusted.”

“When there are forces out there preaching hatred and killing, it doesn’t make sense for us Indians to dream all roses and train our children to get killed. And in any case Aman ki Asha is fraud, because we all know that actually it is not Aman ki but Burman ki Asha.” Bystanders were nodding at each other in agreement.

3,000 Pak artists poised to infiltrate into Mahesh Bhatt camp

As per bi-weekly intelligence report, 3,000 odd artists heavily armed with different types of deadly skills such as singing in train, excessive expressions, noise making etc are camping near border waiting for a chance to infiltrate into Mahesh Bhatt camp.

Though Indian establishment has obvious doubt on their real intentions but Mahesh bhatt played down the fear. He said that he is not afraid and actually looking forward to greet them all with open arms unless he is busy scratching at odd places.

“While for society they are visa jumpers and security concern, but I look at them as cheap labor. Why to pay crors to Indian actors for 5-6 kisses, 6-7 songs, 3-4 fights and 2-3 dramatic scenes when these artists from Pakistan are ready to do it all for food?” He said. “They can get killed for doing just these things there in Pakistan so there is a human aspect is also there.” He quickly sobered up.

Noted singer Abhijit was upset, “What nonsense is this! Any Train singer is being publicized as sufi singer. And then I am just wondering as to how many thousand nephews and nieces a person can have, even if one got his roots in Pakistan!”

But the artists have only praises for Mahesh, “He is our masiha, he is our Spielberg and Hitchcock. We are very fortunate that during partition, India got to keep Mahesh Bhatt otherwise in Pakistan, Lashkar E Jahiliya would have killed him decades ago. National Geography must do a show on him as a preserver of the rarest species – Pakistani Artist”

Nida Fazli a note expert in drawing comparison could not agree more, “Yes, just like the Politics is the last refuse for all the scoundrels or a gutter is the last refuse for all the cockroaches, Mahesh bhatt camp is the last resort for all the Pakistani artists.”

Pak blocks Tomatoes Trucks, Sensex hits lower circuit

As the Ultimate economic power house on our western border started acting tough, the effects were immediately visible on Indian economy.

It seems that our wailing over our dead soldiers have not gone down well with all powerful Pakistani establishments. Today, as a punitive step, Pakistan has blocked couple of trucks carrying tomatoes to Pakistan.

In Mumbai the BSE had to close the trades twice as the Sensex kept hitting lower circuit. A delegation headed by Jhunjhunwala met Finance Minister to ensure that the trucks passes thru and we earn much needed Pakistani currency. “Though most of the Indian currency is already made in Pakistan, we do need to earn some Pakistani currency as well” said Sharad Pawar.

“This is not fair” said a tomato trader, “we are letting them in with RDX and grenades and they can not even allow us to take tomatoes! Just because you are a regional superpower and your neighbor is governed by weak hearted, you will damage my tomatoes!”

“What are you trying to do? Feed them tomatoes while they are busy shooting at us in self defense! Off course they won’t appreciate this” Burkha D tweeted from the LOC.

In an important development, Heena Rabbani called up Salman Khurshid and told him that considering Pakistan’s economic power, its unity and stability and it’s past record, Indians should have acted in more restrained manner. To this Kurshid firmly replied, “I am really sorry maam, I will make people understand this.”

Haifz Saeed – the most respected man by Indian politicians, sounded more sensible as he criticized the Pak move. He said that in the current situation, Pak should have allowed the trucks in and then should have confiscated them without making any payments.

बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी

बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

चाहे हम हों कितने तगड़े, मुंह वो हमारा धूल में रगड़े
पटक पटक के हमको मारे, फाड़ दिए है कपडे सारे,
माना कि वो नीच बहुत है, माना है वो अत्त्याचारी
लेकिन – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

जब भी उसके मन में आये, जबरन वो घर में घुस जाए
बहु बेटी बहन को छेड़े, बच्चों को भी आँख दिखाए
कोई ना मौका उसने छोड़ा, जब चांस मिला तब लाज उतारी,
फिर भी – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

बम यहाँ पे फोड़ा, वहां पे फोड़ा, किसी जगह को नहीं है छोड़ा,
मरे हजारों, अनाथ लाखों में, पर गवर्नमेंट को लगता थोडा,
मर मरा गए तो फर्क पड़ा क्या, आखिर है ही क्या औकात हमारी,
इसलिए – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

वैसे है होशियार बहुत हम, सेना भी कर रखी तैयार है,
पर सेना गई मोर्चे पर, तो वीआईपी का कौन चौकीदार है?
बंदूकों की बना के सब्जी, बमों का डालना अचार है,
मातम तो पब्लिक के घर है, गवर्नमेंट का डेली त्यौहार है,
ऐसे में वो युद्ध छेड़ क्यूँ बिगाड़े खुद की दुकानदारी,
सो – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

लानत है ऐसे सालों पर, जो खा के बैठे दोनों गालों पर,
कुछ देर बाद, कुछ देर बाद, रहे टालते हम सालों भर,
गवर्नमेंट करती है नाटक, जग में नहीं कोई हिमायत,
पर कौन सुने ऐसे हाथी की, जो कोकरोच की करे शिकायत!
इलाज पता बच्चे बच्चे को, पर कोई मजबूरी है सरकारी,
इसलिए – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

सपूत हिन्द के बहुत जियाले, जो घूरे उसकी आँख निकालें,
राम कृष्ण के हम वंशज हैं, जिस से चाहें पानी भरवालें,
जब तक धर्म के साथ रहे हम, हमने राज किया विश्व पर,
कुछ पापी की बातों में आ, जब भूले धर्म तो जग से हारे,
अब जाग गए हुए सावधान हम, चलने ना देंगे अब मक्कारी,
पर तब तक – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

– धर्मेश शर्मा

Big day for Pakistan – A Non state Actor gets Oscar Nomination!

Entire Pakistan went into jubilant mood. It’s a riot of lights and sound all over Karachi and Baluchistan albeit mostly caused by routine arson and bomb blasts in sectarian violence.

Kulbulawal Khan, a part time terrorist and noted historian of Pakistan was overjoyed, “In such a long history of Pakistan that goes back to the ages before dinosaurs, today is the first time that the country is getting such attention. So far the only other significant event for Pakistan was when fanatic Hindus took away India from it.”

“After all, for a restricted society like that of Pakistan it is like a flower blooming in desert. And god willing our actor achieved this feat without any kind of exposing or nudity, God is great and so am I.” said a local Imam. Though, he himself being a signatory on a fatwa banning movies he does not know the name of the actor who has got such a huge appreciation. But the proud was very much visible on his face. Some on the street also expressed ignorance of the actor saying that they don’t watch Pashto Porn.

On the other hand the prominent strategist Zaid Hamid criticized the happening and warned the citizens that it is a western ploy, a gimmick generated by God blessed Americans, chosen ones Israelis, UK and the Hindu Zionists. “They are trying to weaken us by luring our youth with such awards. But they won’t succeed because just like me god is also great” He said.

Imran khan demanded an immediate disclosure of the name of the movie and the actor who won such an appreciation for Pakistan. “Pakistan’s name keeps propping up only for wrong reasons, so this was such a wonderful thing to happen and hence we must celebrate our national hero.” Inzmaam ul Haq too tried saying something but English being too ashamed to come out; got entangled in his beard and we could not understand what he was trying to tell about “oh sucker’ nomination.

“Since he is a non-state actor, we as per our policy, do not know the name and the address of the said Actor, however we have issued couple of valid Pakistani passports to him to enable him to go and collect the prize in case he wins. And yes we have definite information that he was NOT trained by MNTA (Mushafarri Nautanki & Tamasha Academy)” said Heena Rabbani.

In India, PMO released a statement stating that as we as a nation are used to get kicked around, a weaker Pakistan is not in our interest. We need a strong and stable Pakistan who can kick us hard just like another strong and stable neighbor China. But one thing is for sure, whenever he wants, Rahul ji can become PM of India.

Since the secrecy remained around the name of the Actor, several well known people like Hafiz Said, Majid Memon, Dawood and millions unknown too, seen busy making or buying passports and packing their stuff for the award ceremony while in Washington all the other countries were busy discussing the air strikes on Pakistan.

A few anti gang rape protesters were called in to talk – A report

As per the reports trickling down what has happened in the closed door meeting with a few of the protesters the things continue to look grim.

Here is what we could put together.-

Protester- Can we come in maam?

Maam – oh yes sure.. please walk in (leaning to R P N Sing) I am confirming for the last time – you are damn sure that these guys are not actual protesters?

R P N – oh yes maam I and Burkha know them personally, they are a good mix from different back ground the only thing being common is NUSI.

Maam- good.

Protesters – Maam, we have come to raise a serious issue…in spite of we slugging out here in such a cold weather, we notice that we have not been on any news channel so far.

R P N – that is the key my children. You are supposed to be faces of those unknown common men.

(RG enters)

RG – Heyyy… momma you never told me we are having a get together today..

Maam – (with a a stern look) these are s few unknown people….

RG – Hey Akshey how are you maan.. hey Rita how you doing.

RPN – they are here to represent the people protesting the Rape.

RG – Protesting the RAP !! WHAAW..I like RAP maan… yo.. aaha aaha yo (patting RPN’s shoulder heavily) hey and your name is also RAP N Sing haa haa haa (finding every one looking at him).. well..why are these guys protesting such an entertaining thing?

Maam – (getting up) well I think we have finished the scheduled 10 minutes so please get out and carry on doing what you guys are best at. (looking at a corner) aap vahaan khade khade kya dekh rahe hai.. jaaiye chaai biskit le khe aaiye(walks out)

The person in the corner – chaai me lawn me hi lee aau na? … theek hai? arre ab to thek hai naaaa?

Stop buying gold, or I will buy it all – PC

The soaring gold price has triggered a concern in political galleries in Delhi. PC, as usual without any reason, called in a press conference to warn all the hard working idiots to stop buying gold.

Policemen promptly lifted and took away a reporter when he wanted to know how much of it PC has bought a day before making this announcement. Calming the remaining ones PC said, “On one hand you are calling yourself poor and measurable people and on the other hand you all are busy buying gold! Shame on you, all of you… you shameless guys” He pointed to all the reporters present., “When a poor government officer asks for 30-40 thousands then you guys are poor and you quickly set a trap with anti corruption bureau , but when it comes to buying gold you have lots of money for that!” He said with visible disgust on his face.

“Is it not that the costly gold has become an issue with government because it has devalued the stagnant deposits sitting in Swiss banks?” another reporter dared, as the economics knowledge of the policemen present was not enough for them to act on their own, the PC had to signal them to take the reporter away.

Once the reporters became sure that PC will defiantly increase the gold prices, all of them started making calls to their commodity brokers. This made PC lose interest and he was seen surfing onto online trading sites.

On condition of anonymity a party worker told this reporter that, “What people don’t understand that if gold would keep on becoming costly like this, the Scam Surcharge- the new term coined by fakingnews, is bound to go up and thus the people will not be paying more only for that they are buying but will also end up paying more for what we would buy.” He also gave a tip, “Yaar you guys already have a proven case that by dealing in property with DLF, one can make 350 crors out of nothing, still you are going after gold?”

Government offices to have separate windows and queues for Rapists: RPN Singh

RPN Singh looked very angry while expressing his thoughts on Rapists. On replying on queries on National Data Base for Rapists, he said that he has couple of more suggestions up his sleeve for those criminals.

“We need to have separate windows and queues for Rapists in every government building.” He said. “They must be identified, isolated and humiliated. This will also stop acts of eve teasing that they get to do in long and crowded general queues in government offices.” “Also I have asked for an all encompassing Adhaar Card for Rapists. Which will have complete listing of his crime career i.e. no. of actual offences, no. of complaints registered, no. of times he got convicted, no. of payrolls jumped etc. Also the forms asking – “have you ever been booked by police?”, will also ask – “WOW! but was that for rape?”

When this reporter asked him about the steps that government is taking to protect women, He angrily asked to stop diverting from the topic. “Guys, currently our main aim is just to be seen TALKING IN RIGHT DIRECTION. I have personally requested for automatic addition of charges like POTA, MACOCA, anti narcotics and money laundering etc so that the bastards keep languishing for longer time.” When the reporters pointed out that MACOCA applies only in Maharashtra, He said that NCP is their partner hence Delhi should nOt have any issue borrowing it up for sometime.

On All India Rapists Association’s demand of providing them with cheap fuel, cheap electricity and cheap gas cylinders, so that people understand that culprits are really cheap people, He said that this makes sense but final decision would be taken by high command only.

Meanwhile addressing the nation of the eve of New Year, MMS said, ”Not only because the people of India wants to hear this, but also because it is written on this piece of this paper, I am reading out loudly that I will take strongest possible action against the rapists” He ended his speech looking in the corner, “Ab to theek hai?”

Monthly quota of speaking exhausted, PM to condemn Pak in Feb

Reporters were in shock of their life when they approached PMO for PM’s comment on beheading of Indian soldier by Pakistani army. Pankaj Pachauri – the PMO spokesman informed the reporters that Mr. Manmohan Singh has already exhausted his monthly quota of speaking six (6) sentences and any comment of this trivial matter can be heard only in the month of February 2012.

Brushing aside the so called severity of the issue, Pankaj Pachauri shot back, “After all, what soldiers are for? It is only infiltrators and soldiers who get killed on the border, still to assuage the emotional fools, our strongest and the most macho PM so far – Mr. Manmohan Singh would take strongest possible steps” He added. “How can you laugh at such serious meet?” visibly upset Pachauri snubbed couple of reporters.

Explaining the strong steps he said, “You see we have just punished them with an invitation for 20-20 and one day series and as soon as we are done with the suspension and the resumption of peace talks, we would severally punish them with another Test series and liberal visa laws. But before taking any such drastic steps, we are awaiting American words of wisdom, highlighting the non-state actors and importance of peace in the region”

“Allowing people brandishing their AK-47, to come freely in India would definitely discourage Pakistanis from committing such cowardice act of infiltrating in the dark of nights.” He concluded.

When reporters wanted to know the status of 10 terrorists who had sneaked in Delhi during Anti-Rape protest, he promptly said, “As they are Delhi Police Commissioner’s baby only he can answer you on this. Well by ‘his baby’ I don’t intend to say that they were his brain child.”

Press meet was called off as soon as this reporter enquired if “Theek Hai?” too was counted as a full sentence.