हम हिन्दू

कौन कहता है कि बुत तो बुत है कुछ कर नहीं सकता
कौन कहता है कि बुत तो बुत है कुछ कर नहीं सकता
…..
देखो तो कैसे कांपते है बुत से ये सारे पैगम्बरों वाले – धर्मेश शर्मा

“Real Incident” narration to make Biharis feel paranoid – by Arundhati

It was 2.45 at night when I was unwinding with third repeat of Air-Bag lounge advertise that my phone rang. Some one was sobbing uncontrollably. Some how he managed to utter a few words – “O you greatest of the greats, winner of the Boo(t-lic)ker prize, the most beautiful Hindu hater, Her highness Madamji…. aaah … aah… Arrrrghhhh … aaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh …… ooooooooooowwww.. DHICHKEWOOON” and he hanged up.

He died but the broken words were enough for an imaginative person like me to build a story around. Just like Kohler add wherein they as ask to build a house around their Shower faucet.

This was a definitely a Bihari man in his early 20 calling from Backyard of Patna University , who was chased and caught and then killed, hanged, butchered, beheaded and suffocated, not sure of exact chronology I was just on the phone, by heartless Hindus with hated filled hearts!

Bihari is a potent race that had migrated from former Czechoslovakia some 14.03 billion years ago. They were dinosaur worshipers, but the innocent and gullible people were tricked to believe that Cow is actually a local dinosaur. Slowly and steadily local crooks ensured that they get amalgamated into Hinduism completely. The brainwash was so powerful that even a leader of Biharis ended up feeding on the same chara that Cows and Bulls eat.

And last night one ancestor of these Non-Hindu people was killed in cold blood. Had that man been a woman, I am sure he would have also been pregnant while getting killed. This shows that while monkeys turned out to be literate, modest, secular, well behaved, truthful &Beautiful human beings like me, all the blood thirsty dinosaurs turned out to be Hindus.

We the literate and foreign funded people must ensure we drive this monster to extinction once again. Today Bihar is not getting it’s rightful special status only because of traces of Hinduism in our national leaders. Hence the Sikh (brother of Hinduism) and a Christine (married to a Hindu) will never give into Nitish Kumar’s demand. UN is the only way out. Mr Nitish, I want to tell you clearly that – itne paise me itna hi milega.

Disclaimer – This essay is based on Secular Truth and virtually real life incident – provided no Police investigation and no Court ask for verification.

PS: By the way the police found out that some one DID called her up that day. The culprit, a resident of Hyderabad is known for making obnoxious and vulgar calls to all sorts of dented and painted ladies.

Sensing opportunity in sixteen for sex, Sunny Leone launches Pre school chain

In the middle of her already bright career shining in open, Sunny Leone decided to diversify. In a well managed press conference she announced her plan to launch pre-school chain. which immediately had reporters scratch their heads, even embarrassing her mentor Mr Bhatt.

“Was this sudden, or it’s a just that BPTTS (Beauty Pageant’s Temporary Teresa Syndrome)” To which she sighed multiple times sexily and gave a long pause with bright smile. Mr Bhatt chipped in saying, “It is obvious for Ms Sunny to diversify horizontally. After all we are living in a male chauvinistic society where Rishi Kapoor can still appear for his board exams but Neetu Singh is not considered even for an elder sister’s role. This sick mentality has forced our beloved Ms Sunny to plan for an alternate career. And here comes her Pre-School chain – Silent Stars”

“But why the Pre School? From ‘Adults only’ to ‘Children only’? I mean why changing focus so drastically?” Fakingnews reporter asked gulping the samosa down.

As Ms Sunny was to bite her lips again, Mr Bhatt explained “South Virginia Research Center has come out with a study proving that around 93% of Adults were child at some point in their lives, so it makes sense catching them young?”

“But since government has lowered the age for consensual sex, widening up market for your movies, why to venture into this?”

“See ours is a conservative society, parental pressure and those highly dangerous “Sanskar” etc are still holding back youths from this adventure. With enlightened people like us in their lives so early would help them break the mental blocks.”

“We have already started printing our own text books”, he said waving a think book titled – “Sans The Sanskaars”.

Ms Sunny started singing –

Twinkle Twinkle little star
Let’s forget our sanskaar
We and adults are at par
Why have to wait till Sixteen
When teacher is superstar

“For the rest of things please do not forget to collect admission cards for your children. We already received tons of applications. Remember there is no legal lowest age for pre-school” Mr Bhatt winked winding up the conference.

Virus hits Chinese security grid, PLA blames hacked DRDO data

Today in an unprecedented event, the entire security grid of People’s Liberation Army got crashed. Headquarter lost all it’s command and control network with the rest of the army. The strange Virus caused massive power failure in entire northern China leaving millions without electricity.

PLA is yet to come out with an official response, but in its internal briefing to the government, it has blamed the recently hacked DRDO data. Major Me-Uthai-Gir explained that the recently lifted data from DRDO was all corrupt and hence the PCs those were used to hack that data, got infected.

“No, it was not because of the confusingly encrypted communication that runs between DRDO and GOI as we have developed a firewall to filter out anything that GOI conveys. It was something else.” He said with confidence.

Though investigation is still on, as per our sources close to CCC (Chaurasia’s Chinese Corner), the primary suspects are certain files those were sitting in private drives of some of the scientists. i.e. Dandiya & Dhokla with Falguni.flv which they thought has something to do with Falagong sect. And the torrents of Khana Khazana –‘Secrets of Rice’, which were mistaken as secret tech deals with Condaliza Rice. Few more like Diggi-unplugged, Big Boss-6 etc

“PLA decoders crashed while decoding those files and it is where the mess started. It would be too early to pronounce the recent attack on DRDO as a futile exercise, but worst can not be ruled out.” The Xinhua agency reported, “PLA is planning to raise the issue in UN against what it calls highly disproportionate response by Indian side.”

Back in India, as responsible people were still looking at each others faces and trying to make sense of entire thing, Obama released a statement emphasizing on technical cooperation with India.

A Delhi boy gets Death penalty for saving a girl, case cited as ‘Rarest of rare’

It was a normal day for Delhi as  Paratha galli was full of people with few goons chasing a girl for 40 minutes. Just as the people started feeling pity on the goons for going through this ordeal of having to chase for so long, something strange happened that shook up brave bystanders.

An ordinary looking boy appeared from no where and jumped between the girl and the innocent looking goons, couple of them were looking tender enough to get away even with Rape, Murder and both

 

And to everyone’s disbelief, the boy successfully defended the girl and goons had to retreat. Disappointed crowd quickly got suspicious of the boy’s strange behavior and handed him over to the police.

It is exactly 3 months after the incident; today hearing ended with goons statements. The court pronounced death penalty to the boy citing this incident as the rarest of the rare. To which even the staunchest criticizer of death penalty could not refute.

One of the underage attempters was all in tears, “This solidifies my belief in my country’s law. Thankfully I am just seventeen and still got plenty of chances but just look at him, he just crossed into major age. No verdict can give him his golden years back” He said consoling his friend.

The known activist and megastar Rahul Bhos was all emotional “This is the victory of law, just look at the girl, the act of the boy could have send her in permanent coma” she said pointing to the girl who was still sitting out of the court holding her head with her eyes wide open in disbelief.

Madam Geela Biskit upheld the verdict “After the dastardly act of that boy, my driver and cook are scared to live in Delhi. Law is not in government’s hand does not mean we can let people take it in their hand.” She said flashing V sign.

Indian visas on arrival – Pakistan’s oldies rejoice the gift

His dimmed right eye (left was lost in Tora bora) was beaming with hope and dreams when he heard that India is going to issue visas to senior citizens of Pakistan on arrival.

“Every one thought I am a defused bomb now and were pushing me to become a shepherd, but now I can show that I am down but not out.” said Farhaad Fussu – 68. The similar sentiments were echoed across the Pakistan.

Super intelligent Zaid Hamid was overjoyed, “God willing my fathers would do better than my sons. But on the name of entire Kaum, I urge you youngsters, dye your beards white. My roohani sources have informed me that hair dye manufacturers are Zionists and they don’t make white dye, but god wiling we will import it from China.”

Here in India dismissing the rumors, Mr. Viklaang Khurshi-de said that the said visa plan has not been cancelled it has just been delayed for the want of additional forms that the visiting Senior citizens will have to sign.

Our inner sources revealed that the forms would be an affidavit and an acknowledgement that the visitor is old and also disabled and that he/she has received either a wheel chair or a hearing aid or at least a walking stick.

“We don’t mind signing any forms as long as we remain member of LeT. Be it this LeT (Lashkar E Taiba) or that Let (Langda E Tunda). Ultimately we have to explode ourselves along with others.” says Manhoos Murtuza, “The only thing that saddens me is that still there would be some Indians out there who would benefit from my arrival.”

As per an unconfirmed intelligence report, Hafeez Saeed was over heard enquiring about property rates in Mira Road.

Daily ‘Saamna’ sheds regional tag, launches Aman ka Jhaansa

Seeing the ongoing efforts of infiltration and firing and beheading of Indian soldier by Pakistan, Saamna has decided to launch a new initiative – Aman ka Jhaansa. A move that immediately drew a sharp reaction from TOI.

“People like us are already trying for a smooth passage for Pakistanis into India so that not only Indians but the other neighbors i.e. Nepal, Bhutan too can avail benefits of Terror attacks and dubious people from each country can benefit from People to People contact. Given this, we agree there was absolutely no reason for Pakistanis to restore to such overt operation of firing on LOC etc. But announcing Aman ka Jhaansa is a knee jerk reaction by fundamentalist forces.” said a TOI spokesperson.

When a reporter asked him as to why it is so that why only India need to keep gulping the potion of peace, He said “Please understand, friendly relationship with India will not change anything in Pakistan because amongst burning Baluchinstan, karaahta Karachi, naarkiya NWFP, MQM, LET, Shia minority and many more, they will hardly notice a friendly India. But it’s the Indians who have a lot to gain from a friendly Pakistan.”

“No, Aman ka Jhaansa is not a parody of Aman ki Asha, but it is an effort to expose the inner purpose of Aman ki Asha.” informed Mr Raut “We will make people understand that member of Pakistani Army and Political parties are not from Sweden or Venezuela, but they all are common men coming from Pakistani masses. Hence this fraud that common Pakistani wants peace with India can not be trusted.”

“When there are forces out there preaching hatred and killing, it doesn’t make sense for us Indians to dream all roses and train our children to get killed. And in any case Aman ki Asha is fraud, because we all know that actually it is not Aman ki but Burman ki Asha.” Bystanders were nodding at each other in agreement.

3,000 Pak artists poised to infiltrate into Mahesh Bhatt camp

As per bi-weekly intelligence report, 3,000 odd artists heavily armed with different types of deadly skills such as singing in train, excessive expressions, noise making etc are camping near border waiting for a chance to infiltrate into Mahesh Bhatt camp.

Though Indian establishment has obvious doubt on their real intentions but Mahesh bhatt played down the fear. He said that he is not afraid and actually looking forward to greet them all with open arms unless he is busy scratching at odd places.

“While for society they are visa jumpers and security concern, but I look at them as cheap labor. Why to pay crors to Indian actors for 5-6 kisses, 6-7 songs, 3-4 fights and 2-3 dramatic scenes when these artists from Pakistan are ready to do it all for food?” He said. “They can get killed for doing just these things there in Pakistan so there is a human aspect is also there.” He quickly sobered up.

Noted singer Abhijit was upset, “What nonsense is this! Any Train singer is being publicized as sufi singer. And then I am just wondering as to how many thousand nephews and nieces a person can have, even if one got his roots in Pakistan!”

But the artists have only praises for Mahesh, “He is our masiha, he is our Spielberg and Hitchcock. We are very fortunate that during partition, India got to keep Mahesh Bhatt otherwise in Pakistan, Lashkar E Jahiliya would have killed him decades ago. National Geography must do a show on him as a preserver of the rarest species – Pakistani Artist”

Nida Fazli a note expert in drawing comparison could not agree more, “Yes, just like the Politics is the last refuse for all the scoundrels or a gutter is the last refuse for all the cockroaches, Mahesh bhatt camp is the last resort for all the Pakistani artists.”

Pak blocks Tomatoes Trucks, Sensex hits lower circuit

As the Ultimate economic power house on our western border started acting tough, the effects were immediately visible on Indian economy.

It seems that our wailing over our dead soldiers have not gone down well with all powerful Pakistani establishments. Today, as a punitive step, Pakistan has blocked couple of trucks carrying tomatoes to Pakistan.

In Mumbai the BSE had to close the trades twice as the Sensex kept hitting lower circuit. A delegation headed by Jhunjhunwala met Finance Minister to ensure that the trucks passes thru and we earn much needed Pakistani currency. “Though most of the Indian currency is already made in Pakistan, we do need to earn some Pakistani currency as well” said Sharad Pawar.

“This is not fair” said a tomato trader, “we are letting them in with RDX and grenades and they can not even allow us to take tomatoes! Just because you are a regional superpower and your neighbor is governed by weak hearted, you will damage my tomatoes!”

“What are you trying to do? Feed them tomatoes while they are busy shooting at us in self defense! Off course they won’t appreciate this” Burkha D tweeted from the LOC.

In an important development, Heena Rabbani called up Salman Khurshid and told him that considering Pakistan’s economic power, its unity and stability and it’s past record, Indians should have acted in more restrained manner. To this Kurshid firmly replied, “I am really sorry maam, I will make people understand this.”

Haifz Saeed – the most respected man by Indian politicians, sounded more sensible as he criticized the Pak move. He said that in the current situation, Pak should have allowed the trucks in and then should have confiscated them without making any payments.

बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी

बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

चाहे हम हों कितने तगड़े, मुंह वो हमारा धूल में रगड़े
पटक पटक के हमको मारे, फाड़ दिए है कपडे सारे,
माना कि वो नीच बहुत है, माना है वो अत्त्याचारी
लेकिन – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

जब भी उसके मन में आये, जबरन वो घर में घुस जाए
बहु बेटी बहन को छेड़े, बच्चों को भी आँख दिखाए
कोई ना मौका उसने छोड़ा, जब चांस मिला तब लाज उतारी,
फिर भी – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

बम यहाँ पे फोड़ा, वहां पे फोड़ा, किसी जगह को नहीं है छोड़ा,
मरे हजारों, अनाथ लाखों में, पर गवर्नमेंट को लगता थोडा,
मर मरा गए तो फर्क पड़ा क्या, आखिर है ही क्या औकात हमारी,
इसलिए – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

वैसे है होशियार बहुत हम, सेना भी कर रखी तैयार है,
पर सेना गई मोर्चे पर, तो वीआईपी का कौन चौकीदार है?
बंदूकों की बना के सब्जी, बमों का डालना अचार है,
मातम तो पब्लिक के घर है, गवर्नमेंट का डेली त्यौहार है,
ऐसे में वो युद्ध छेड़ क्यूँ बिगाड़े खुद की दुकानदारी,
सो – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

लानत है ऐसे सालों पर, जो खा के बैठे दोनों गालों पर,
कुछ देर बाद, कुछ देर बाद, रहे टालते हम सालों भर,
गवर्नमेंट करती है नाटक, जग में नहीं कोई हिमायत,
पर कौन सुने ऐसे हाथी की, जो कोकरोच की करे शिकायत!
इलाज पता बच्चे बच्चे को, पर कोई मजबूरी है सरकारी,
इसलिए – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

सपूत हिन्द के बहुत जियाले, जो घूरे उसकी आँख निकालें,
राम कृष्ण के हम वंशज हैं, जिस से चाहें पानी भरवालें,
जब तक धर्म के साथ रहे हम, हमने राज किया विश्व पर,
कुछ पापी की बातों में आ, जब भूले धर्म तो जग से हारे,
अब जाग गए हुए सावधान हम, चलने ना देंगे अब मक्कारी,
पर तब तक – बातचीत रहेगी जारी, बातचीत रहेगी जारी,

– धर्मेश शर्मा